Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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