I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize