Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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