My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
