I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
