God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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