I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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