it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
