I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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