Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
