ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
