I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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