I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
