I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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