seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
