She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
