I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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