I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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