Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
