I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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