i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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