thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
