I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
