My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
