I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
