That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
