I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
