im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
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The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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