I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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