So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
