Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
