if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
