i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
