Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
