I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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