Taylor Swift is so right about you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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