I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
