I have demons in me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
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apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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