stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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