I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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