Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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