if i can run in heels then i can drive
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
