I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
