Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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