I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
