after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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