Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
