fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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