Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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