the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
