Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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