sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
