i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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