It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
