I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
