Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
