i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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