i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
