sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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