can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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