i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
