oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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