I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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