I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
