Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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