Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize